You may be new to dating or a seasoned veteran, but sometimes you can lose sight of an essential element in navigating the dating world, and that is your mindset. While you may not have given this much thought, you may not even know what I mean by “mindset,” so let me share my thoughts with you on this because I think it will make a big positive difference for you both in dating and in other parts of life.

Interpreting your Mindset

A mindset is the set of attitudes and beliefs that we hold. This is the foundation of how we respond to situations and how we interpret them. For instance, if you set your mindset to believing that you are never lucky and that others get breaks, but you don’t, that will colour how you see the world from that perspective. However, if you set your mindset to trust in the goodness of life, that will shape how you respond to the world and how you interpret things. The good news is that once you are aware of your mindset, you can change it so it serves you better.

Think about a situation in your life where you were OK with the current circumstances but were offered something intriguing, like when you really really wanted something to the point where there was a hint (or maybe a lot) of desperation.

Let me give you an example: Say you have a job you’re pretty happy in. While you don’t see spending your whole career in this job, for now, it seems to be working well. Then you get another job offer. You are curious, but because you already have a job, you take time to learn more about it and consider whether you would like to pursue this. In this case, because of your circumstances, you can afford to be “The Chooser.”  You have the upper hand here and the luxury of making the decision regarding your next step.

Compare that with being unemployed and desperate for a job. Maybe you’ve moved back home with your parents because you have to, and it’s hard to pay your cell phone bill. You really need a job, so you contact a lot of potential employers, and you hope and pray that you will get an interview. If you are fortunate enough to get an interview, you really hope they will like you and offer you a job because you REALLY NEED IT! Are you “The Chooser” in this situation? No. You don’t have the upper hand because you are dependent on someone else to give you that job.

Now think about dating. If you are single and hoping that somebody – anybody – will want to meet you, maybe see you again, and maybe want to be in a relationship with you, you are at their mercy. You don’t have the upper hand. You are not seeing yourself as “The Chooser.”  It’s like being desperate for that job.

If, on the other hand, you see yourself as valuable and worthy and that you are a catch, you can have the mindset of being “The Chooser.”  Instead of settling for someone out of desperation, as in “The Chooser,” you can decide whether or not you would like to see a person again. You get to choose how you live your life and who you invite into it.

This shift to seeing yourself as a catch allows you to date without eating away your self-esteem. No doubt you will meet people you’re interested in, but it’s not reciprocated. No doubt you’ll meet people who would like to see you again, but you’re not interested. This is the nature of dating. This is the value of having a healthy mindset.

Seeing yourself as “The Chooser” isn’t arrogance. This is about being clear on your value and having a clear vision of what you are looking for. If you want to get married and have a family, and you meet someone who is really attractive and fun to be with but doesn’t want any commitment or kids, you can choose not to see that person again because they aren’t aligned with what you want.  

If you go on a date and the other person spends the whole time talking about their own life and interests and expresses no interest in you, you can choose not to see that person again.  

When you have healthy self-love and self-esteem, you can choose to invite people into your life who treat you the way you want to be treated. I always say, “It’s better to be single than to settle,” and the mindset of being the one who chooses really supports this.

What is your mindset when dating? Do you approach it with a clear sense of your own value, and are you OK with not seeing someone again? Do you approach it hoping that you will get someone else’s approval and feel validated by them? What is your vision for your life? Would you date someone who smokes or does drugs? Do you prefer someone who smokes or does drugs? It’s totally up to you, but the key here is clarity.

You might say, “But, Lynn, I just got dumped by someone I love and want to spend my life with. How can I possibly be ‘The Chooser’ here?” My response to that is that you can’t control other people and “make” them want you! What you can do is be “The Chooser” of how you deal with it. I know it can be devastating to be dumped. So what can you learn from the experience? Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? When you are honest, in addition to the things you loved about that person, what were you overlooking? What won’t you have to put up with anymore! When someone I like a lot has ended things with me, I do a lot of journaling, and when I get caught up in being nostalgic, I create a list of all the things that I really didn’t like and all the benefits of being single again. That’s how I see being “The Chooser” here, and I use it as a learning experience that helps me move forward.

Are you confident in being a “catch”? Your opinion about yourself underlies the mindset of being “The Chooser.”  Not sure what it would take to really appreciate and believe in yourself? You may want to check out my coaching program on Self-Love. I believe that is the first step before going out into the dating world. When you like yourself and are compassionate toward yourself, that sets you to find a healthy partner so you can have an empowering and resilient relationship.

Learn more about my Self-Love coaching here:

Interested in a free 30-minute Discovery Session? Book it here:

Looking For The Best Dating Coach In Victoria? Connect with me today!